Except, I am. I mean, I'm fine; I'm not rushing to jump off one of the bridges over the Charles River and I'm not spending all my time in my darkened bedroom listening to crooners on CD. I'm busy; I'm spending lots of time reading articles and writing papers and putting off writing papers while I read novels. I talk to my roommates and smile and do dishes and avoid doing laundry.
In short, I am leading a pretty normal life. But
But.
But.
Underneath it all, my heart hurts.
And it has been hurting for a long, long, long time. And I don't know how to heal it.
And I keep patching things over, and it keeps being okay, and then with startling rapidity it's not again, and then with startling rapidity it is.
But I'm getting the impression that what I'm doing are just quick fixes, that there's this underlying wound that just isn't getting taken care of. It's not festering; it's not infected. But it's tender when I push on it, and it hasn't ever really stopped bleeding.
And really, honestly, I can't think of any solution for it. It's insoluble. It just is. It just.
It's just there. And it's just permanent. And I sometimes feel so bleak and so wounded and so un-okay. And it breaks my equilibrium.
But don't be afraid for me; I also realize that, like many other people, I just have this small (and sometimes not small) nagging hurt that maybe won't ever go away. And it's possible to be happy in spite of that.
I'm so sorry to write all this to you, especially if it makes you unhappy. It's nothing to do with any of you, so never fear. It's just something that I wanted to work out through writing. And somehow, the need to share the insides of me, to say, "Understand me!" to someone helps ease the hurt just a little.
You're my asprin.
So thanks.
9 comments:
Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. I think every one of us knows what you're talking about, because each one of us feels that sorrow in our hearts now and then. In one of the great Sheri Dew talks that I've listened to (if you want to know which one, I'll try and figure it out), she speaks of her own sorrows, and how only the Savior had the ability to heal them. Specifically, she meant not being married, and how it was the greatest sorrow in her life. Those of us who are married, though, still have those heartaches - they just are about different things. I think that the true wound is that we somehow allow ourselves to become distanced from Him. Have you noticed that these heartaches DO heal, when we really open them up to the Lord. If, somehow, we could remember how infinitely loved we are, and how great our potential was, we could leave these things behind forever. I think, though, that we must experience heartache over and over, so that we will keep close to Him. I will keep you in my prayers, that you will find relief from this. I love you, always.
I don't know if it helps or not.
But.
I love you.
Huh. Wow. You pretty much summed up how I feel a lot of the time. Fine, but not fine. Happy, but underneath still struggling. Lonely, but surrounded by people. We should form a support group.
He knows
He knows
I've actually been thinking about you for a while now, and wondering how you were doing. I'm so sorry. I think what you need is to come home for a bit! How can we get you out here...?
You are so often in my prayers and today you will be more than most days. If I could add one more thing to what everyone has said, it would be this - remember these feelings, yes all the hurt too. Not that it's a good thing to go through, but... well, here's how I feel about it. I was single for 5 years after joining the church and getting a divorce. I dreamed so long of being sealed in the temple and finally having one of those great Mormon families that I saw at church. Most people were enjoying their singleness, but I was pretty miserable and felt pretty forgotten especially after doing what I thought was the right thing to do. Where was my reward? Little did I know that the Lord was preparing my other half while I was waiting. He could have sent me someone sooner, but I wanted the one I finally got. Now, times get hard and I struggle with things in married life like most couple do, I remember those days of being alone and hurt and I just have to laugh and love everything about being married. I just think we appreciate things so much more when we've really yearned for them so long. The same happened for me with children (the Lord must really know I need to learn patience). Just when I thought my sadness of being lonely went away when I got married, a different and even more longing went out for having children. But the same thing happened. The waiting and longing just made the experience that much sweeter and I feel more grateful for everyday blessings with them. Does that help any? Make it through the feelings, but remember them. They will pass and they will make your wedding day even that much better. It will come. Maybe your man just needs a little work before the Lord is ready for him to meet the wonderful Beth! Just think of him in the shop right now. After all, you wouldn't want a lemon. =)That's all the little tidbits of info I have to add. Smile and bandage those wounds, a turniquet is on the way. Hey, maybe your guy is a doctor.
All morning I have been trying to get access to the internet and it kept being "glitchy." And I just kept feeling like I really needed to get on to the blogs and check in. Now I know why. I have known for weeks. I have known that you were struggling, that the wounds were oozing a little. I am your mother. I get this stuff by virtue of that title, in a kind of cosmic connection that transcends the internet and the telephone company. So, three things. #1) Refer to Aunt Ria's first post. #2) Refer to Aunt Ria's second post. #3)I am 53 years old now, and I find that the more I learn, the less I know, but this I KNOW FOR SURE, SO PAY ATTENTION: (!) If a sparrow falls and the Lord know it, and if the very grains of the sand are numbered to Him, and if the lilies of the field merit His divine attention, you may be assured that He knows you, and loves you. Your Aunt is wise. He knows. And He does not just know because He happens to be an Omniscient Being. He knows because He felt what you feel. He knew and knows everything there is to know about sorrow and hurt and rejection and loneliness. He walked the walk. He talked the talk. And He did not need to experience these things for His own perfection, for He was already a Perfected Personage of glory and power. He was willing to experience these things so that He would be able to succor us in our trials and heartaches. Beth, do you know what that the root of the word succor means "to run to?" He will RUN to you if you invite Him in. I would cure your heart soreness if it were in my power to do so, but it is not. There is only One who can cure, One who can heal anything, ANYTHING! And I commend you to Him. He knows. He knows.
((((BIG HUGS)))))from the homeland...
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