Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Step on, Baby.

So, remember that really teeny tiny step I talked about a couple of posts ago? Yeah. I just took another really teeny tiny step. Well, this one was slightly bigger. But it was still a baby step.

I guess I'm steppin' out in style then...Baby Style, stepping things up, stepping up to the plate, taking a step in the right direction...er, I can't think of more 'step' phrases right now...

BUT, I'm very glad. Glad that I have at least the sense now of a forward direction, even though I'm still going much more slowly than I feel I should.

Anyway--enough with the vague stepping references. Methinks my future posts will need to be a bit more definite. Yah. That is, if I can remember how to do that...

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Whiney Dayz

I would like to take this moment to apologize to any of you who, despite the discouraging little "0 Comments" notations beneath my rambling blog entries, are my faithful and true (and dear) readers, and who may spend more time checking up on what I've written lately than I actually spend writing it. (In which case, I really think you should take up a hobby. (Haha. Just kidding.))

I'm sorry for being whiney. For taking up my blog-time, and your valuable time by sitting here, typing in my complaints for all the world to read. (Although, I really doubt all the world reads this thing. I don't think more than maybe 2 people read this thing on a regular basis, and one of those people is ME.)

My last entry was pretty negative. Well, I've been feeling pretty negative for the past week or so, and I was discouraged and unhappy, and I wanted company in that misery, thank-you-very-much. So I decided (with my very low moral values) to drag you all into my unhappy state. Or, at least to express to you that I was unhappy, and to say in a very circuitous and round-about manner that I hope things improve soon.

Forgive me. I didn't mean it. Or if I did, it isn't something that I'll write for every blog entry. No, you'll get more stuff that's silly than discouraged, more thoughtful than negative, and more wry than vicious.

Well, at least, that's the idea. We'll see what actually happens.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Baby Steps

(Sorry--This is a gratuitous flower pic to make my blog look more interesting than it is.)

Okay. I know I keep going around this argument with myself, spinning around and around, like some crazy do-it-yourself insane merry-go-round that is also an instrument of the DEVIL...

Sigh. Here's the scoop: I need to do things that I'm not doing. And, I'm kind of semi-pleased with myself because today I did a very SMALL thing that will enable me to do a slightly LARGER thing, that will, I hope, enable me to do that thing that I really NEED to do.

Confused yet? So am I.

The truth is, I keep on just letting time slip by me, and deadlines loom, and then pass, and I'm still in the same place I was before. And I'm tired--tired, tired, tired of being in that place where I'm just carrying on because there's nothing much else to do. And I sit around & complain & do nothing. I'm so sick of my impotence, of this blockage that I seem to have that sits unmoving smack in the middle of the path I think I want to take.

And then I run at it and kick it in nothing but my slippers. (Er, I'm also wearing a bathrobe.)


I hope, I HOPE I will have better news to post soon--news that I've taken the 'larger' step I mentioned, news that I may be recovering from my year & a half of flopping aimlessly around my parents' house while I try to convince myself to do what I NEED to do to move forward, news that I finally feel like I'm on my way to becoming a real, live grown-up. Cross your fingers.

Oh, yeah. And pray.

Monday, January 23, 2006

M&M's and Doggie Rescue

So, I'm back. I'll admit it. I recognize my addiction.

But it's not like I'm going to give it up. I mean, come on! One of the few pleasures I have in life...wait, what am I talking about? I have plenty of pleasures in life. Anyway--one of the pleasures I have in life is to sit here on this nice li'l couch and watch animal rescue shows on Animal Planet (which I know I've mentioned before--frequently).

Except now that it's a commercial break, and my mom has turned to "Skating with the Stars." Unfortunately.

Wait--we're back to animal rescues now. Thank goodness. I don't think I could've watched much more of Joey from "Full House" skating around with Nancy Kerrigan.

Where was I?

Ah, yes. Animal rescues. What I really like is that these shows focus on a few specific locations, including Detroit. I have to admit that, as a missionary, we had very few encounters with pitt bulls being used in dog fighting rings, or cats that were beaten or neglected, but they're sure out there. It's a sad, sad show. And I love it. Not because of the heartrending stories, and not because of the inhumane conditions some of these animals have to live in--it's because these animals are rescued. They're taken out of these conditions, put into homes where they can be loved, and they end up happy. (Well, most of them, at least. Some, for various reasons do have to be euthanized.)

But it's really for that reason that I could watch this show for hours on end. I think, especially now, in this time of uncertainty and depression, and even sometimes the deaths of cute little kittens, that I can use a little bit of happily ever after.

P.S. And M&M's are yummy. Yep.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Lounging in Pajama Pants

This post isn't going to be long or terribly pertinent, nor will it contain those little tidbits of insight and wisdom you've come to expect from me and my intrepid keyboard.

No, I'm just writing to say that it's now 1:30pm on Saturday, and I'm still sitting around in my pajamas. My thoughts are currently vascillating wildly between being disgusted with myself for being so lazy, and really, really enjoying the sensation of being so lazy.

Unfortunately, I'll have to get up soon (approximately NOW) from my comfortable perch on my bed, laptop securely perched atop my knees, and get ready for the day which is now, literally, half-over. (My little 4-year-old niece is having a piano recital today. TOO CUTE! I'll post pictures. You won't be able to stop me.) But, at least I'll be able to relish the last few seconds before I publish this post as completely effort-free...

Ahhhhh. That felt nice. *Grins*

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Juicy Juice

So, have you been waiting for the latest scoop on my daily life?

Have you been anxiously bouncing on the edge of your seat for, like, the last three weeks or MORE??

Have you been nearly weeping with the stress of NOT KNOWING WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY LIFE???

Yeah, okay.

So you haven't. I'm cool with that.

BUT, you're gonna hear the latest scoop all the same.

Well, last night I almost went and did something that might have furthered my plans to attend grad school, and didn't. It seems like this happens a lot to me. I'll be all geared up & ready to do something that (for no good reason whatsoever) is difficult for me, and then at the last minute, I'll find some lame excuse (like a blizzard) to not do something.

I can't even remember what my excuse was now. Ohyeah. Nevermind. I DO remember, and yes, it was lame.

So, here I am, posting to my blog, wondering when on earth I'll join the world of chordates and get a spine. Or a... a whatever-it-is thingy that makes you do stuff. Yeah. One o' dose.

Not that I'm complaining. No, it's more just a slight feeling of disgust. What is it Mr. Bennett says to Elizabeth? The feeling will pass, no doubt more quickly than it should.

(Ooh. I just noticed--can you tell I don't like paragraphs to be more than, like, two sentences long in this post? Whoppee!! Short paragraphs!)

Where was I? Ohyeah. Approximately nowhere. Which is where I'm going. Rapidly. In a handbasket. Or wait, maybe the handbasket is a vehicle to somewhere else not quite so bad...or is it? In our worst versions of Hell, have we really hit the point of what a hellish existence is? Maybe it's just simply because you're damned--literally not progressing--bound to one state because you can't move on to the next--you're not prepared to. And, even if we're lazy, (which I am), we love to feel like we're moving forward in our lives, making something of ourselves. And when we're not, where else could we be but in Hell?

So, pass the handbasket, please. I think I'm taking a ride.