Monday, August 22, 2016

The Rules of Farting

The rules of farting are intrinsically understood by the majority of the population. However, it is possible that some individuals may be unfamiliar with the rules, and would benefit from them being spelled out in a written form. These rules of farting are designed to maximize optimal cordial interactions among human beings and may not be used in a court of law, except where permitted.

·        Article I.  You must not fart while other humans are present.
o   Section 1.01  Farting in front of animals is optional, and as they will generally feel free to fart themselves, you might add your own to the mix with reasonable assurance of continued pleasantness. However, before farting in front of your animal friends, be sure that all other humans have cleared the area and are out of range of both the smell and the sound of your potential farts.
o   Section 1.02  Farting in front of humans can have harsh socioeconomic consequences. It is recommended that you avoid doing so if possible. However, not all farting situations are equal. Severity of offenses can range from the most egregious (farting in a crowded elevator) to farting outdoors (somewhat unseemly, but as the ambient breeze will carry away the worst of your output, this is not nearly so serious as a fart indoors).
o   Section 1.03  Silent farts exist in a notable loophole. If you are able to pass your fart without any notable sound, then you only need concern yourself about the smell. This may be solved in one of several ways: you may eat only vegetarian meals, which tends to decrease the offensiveness of the smell of your farts, or you may blame your fart upon another person, dog, or ghost which is present in the room.
o   Section 1.04  Farting in front of other humans may be permissible in certain situations, although such situations are rare.
§  (a)  When all  humans in a group have agreed to abide by an open fart policy, all members of said group may fart freely while this agreement is in effect. However, if any member of the group dissents, the other members of the group must refrain from farting until that member has left, or until that member has changed his or her mind about farting and is now willing to participate in a free-fart zone.
§  (b)  Farting on another human being is hardly ever tolerated, and must be approached with a mixture of caution and self-preservation. If you desire to fart upon another human, you must obtain his or her consent in advance, preferably in writing, preferably notarized. If a notarized signature cannot be obtained in time, you may obtain verbal confirmation from the fartee that you wish to fart upon him or her. However, a fartee may revoke said permission at any time, and farters must note that permission is granted on a one-time basis. Any future farts must obtain separate approval. Just because a person has consented to be farted upon in one instance does not mean that they consent to all future fart-upons.
·        Article II.  Bathrooms are automatic free-fart zones.
o   Section 2.01  Once you have entered a bathroom, you may fart at will. (To fart upon Will, please refer to Article I, Section 1.04(b).)
o   Section 2.02  All farts must be held until you are inside a stall with the stall door closed and locked (if in a multi-stall bathroom), or until you are inside a single-occupant bathroom with the door completely shut. Farting prematurely in these situations will invite ridicule and disgust, as they will have violated Article I of the rules of farting.
·        Article III.  Pooping while farting must be avoided.
o   Section 3.01  Farting may occasionally be accompanied by feces, particularly when the stools are loose, such as when an individual is experiencing abdominal cramps and/or has recently eaten a large quantity of cheese. This is undesirable.
o   Section 3.02  In order to avoid soiling yourself during farting, be sure to time your farts properly. Wait until the bubble of gas has arrived at the opening at the end of your bowel. Push the bubble of gas out gently, applying only slight pressure. If you can feel any solid material exiting your bowel, stop the fart immediately and refrain from farting until you are on a toilet. At that point, you may proceed to fart again, regardless of whether or not stool is present.
o   Section 3.03  If you have unexpectedly farted and pooped at the same time, you have committed a grave social error. But all is not lost. If you are prepared, you will have brought a large towel and/or ugly sweater with you (hereafter referred to as a fartpoop concealer). Wrap your fartpoop concealer securely around your waist, being sure to cover any parts of your anatomy and/or clothing upon which you have fartpooped. Make your way to a bathroom to assess the problem. If the fartpoop is on any portion of your clothing, return home immediately if possible. If you cannot return home quickly, continue to wear your fartpoop concealer until such a time as you can change your clothing.
·        Article IV.  Fart from the correct position.
o   Section 4.01  Finding the correct position for farting may range in difficulty, depending on the strain index of farts that you must expel.
o   Section 4.02  Farting may easily be done from many positions. People have been known to fart while sitting, standing, and even swimming. However, not all farts will emerge easily. If you find yourself having trouble expelling a fart, you are not alone. Many people have trouble farting. The following fart positions may aid the pushing out of your farts.
§  (a) First, be sure you are relaxed. Farting while tense makes farting difficult and increases the likelihood of fartpooping.
§  (b) Lie down on a flat surface like a mattress. Turn so that you are lying on your right side. Remain in this position for at least fifteen minutes. You may find that your fart has worked its way out of your system.
§  (c) If lying still has not helped you get your fart out, turn again so that you are on your back. Slowly raise your left leg so that your thigh is perpendicular to your torso, and your lower leg and foot are still pointed in the same direction as your right leg. Gently apply pressure to your bowel to see if your fart will emerge.
§  (d) If your fart still will not come out, turn again so that you are face down on the mattress. With your face turned to the side (you may rest your face upon a pillow if you wish) keep your head down and your knees on the mattress while you raise your rear end into the air. This final position has been known to rid the body of some of the most obstinate of farts.
o   Section 4.03  Yoga positions were originally designed with farting in mind. In fact, the term ‘yoga’ is derived from the sound of a great group of individuals farting in unison. Farting during yoga classes is a common practice. However, before farting during yoga, be sure to inform your instructor of your intention to fart, and find out if the studio is a free-fart zone. If your yoga instructor has a free-fart zone inclusion form, fill it out before farting to be sure all farts are legally covered.

We sincerely hope that this guide to farting has been helpful. If you have any questions about farting, or are looking for forms to use for free-fart zones or other farting situations, please refer to the bibliography below.

Hawthorne, E. J. (2012). Farting and you : a solid analysis of a nebulous activity. Journal of Flatulence, 45(3), 72-103.

Peters, H. Q. (2009). The storied history of flatulence : a comprehensive study. Bloats and Boats, 12(10), 15-25.

Rogers, B. T. (1998). The joy of farting : Breaking wind has never been so easy. Milwaukee, MN: Spider & Barkers.

Stegner, P. W. (2015). Was Alexander the Great gassy? : A human look at a legendary figure. New York, NY: Dogsfolt & Sons.