My thoughts on this keep changing so rapidly that writing this down will serve rather to bookmark where I am right now than provide a glimpse into some unalterable state of mind I may posess.
As of this moment, I have moved (again) beyond the giving-up state. I spent this entire last week (and perhaps some few days before it) 'knowing' in my core that I would never marry and that it was just time to accept it. I even convinced myself that I was content, even happy, because I didn't have to worry about all these troublesome feelings of attraction to men anymore; I could just set them aside because they were things I would never be able to act on. I could interact with men on a completely platonic level, not bothering them with my feelings of attraction, not being bothered by their lack thereof.
Then, sitting next to a young man at church, (no, not this one; someone else), I kept having these niggling sensations of just this...awareness of his maleness...and I realized that I couldn't maintain this self-imposed indifference. I could keep it up for maybe a week (and had) but eventually my cycling hormones would come round again and break down all the barriers I'd built with my determination never to have these feelings ever ever again.
Sitting here in my room tonight, reading over a thought-provoking post (and accompanying comments) on Blog Segullah wherein the author describes living a celibate life as a faithful, fully acknowledged homosexual LDS man, I (after reading one particular comment) came rather face-to-face again with my own set of what attracts me.
And far from making me despair again, this acknowledgement of my own sexual desires freed me to admit to myself just how much I really did want to have a marriage relationship. If I may be frank, (and please forgive me if I cause offense, but I really hope that I can speak as an adult, here), I admitted to myself just how much I want to have the joys of a physical, conjugal relationship with a man. I want to experience the joys and frustrations of tying myself emotionally to one single human being, of trying to make our two lives fit together, of raising a family together. And as part of that, (a big part of it), I want the supernal joy of a sexual relationship with a husband.
Please understand; I know that this is not all there is to marriage. (Good grief--if it were, we wouldn't have time for doing anything else!) I know that marriages are more complicated and difficult than this, that the uniting of two different individuals in every possible way takes time, effort, and continual sacrifice as well as continuous patience.
But I also know (or rather, strongly suspect, since my actual experience is necessarily limited) that marriage can be fulfilling and almost indescribably joyous. That's why I (and almost every other single adult I know) longs for it, prays for it, gives up hope of it and picks up that same dropped and tattered hope almost hopelessly because one can't simply seem to toss it away after all.
I don't know if sheer wanting-him-ness will eventually help me to find the marriage partner who has, thus far, proven remarkably (almost intractably) elusive, but I do know that I can no longer (at least right now) deny that I do want him, and that I must thus (because I believe in a God who knows our deepest wants and needs and tries to grant them, if possible) still hope for him.
Because a life by myself, while satisfying in some ways, ultimately feels as if it would be really quite grey and sloggish.
And my bed here is beginning to seem rather large and cold, with just me alone.
5 comments:
Don't give up hope, Bethy.
There's an incredible guy out there for you. I can't wait to meet the man who's fun, smart, quirky, and kind enough to match you. He'll be so cool.
Also, for what it's worth, it takes guts to bare this much of your heart and soul. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Giving up? That sounds so negative - instead, just "let go"...remember that line in "Under the Tuscan Sun?" the flamboyant blond gives the analogy of when she was a little girl she would try to catch lady bugs - run and chase them till she was exhausted - finally she laid down in the grass and fell asleep, when she woke up, they were crawling all over her!....Ok, maybe that analogy is a little creepy, but you get the idea.
My Daughter is in her late 20's. She made the comment on her last birthday that by Utah standards, she was now officially an "old maid." But she is a super awesome girl and needs an equally awesome mate - she is not ready for that kind of person yet. If she were to choose a mate at this point in her life, he would be entirely the wrong kind of guy. In my mind I feel that Heavenly Father is keeping them apart until she's ready.
I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate me sharing that, but the point I hope to make is that prayers are answered in their due time, and that there may be reasons that we cannot comprehend. All we can do is keep the faith, and give it over to Him who knows us best!
So don't give up - just let go, and give it into His hands.
....and flirt like crazy while you wait! Ha ha!
You'll find that lucky guy! As my brother once said, "Don't worry, there's a man out there who thinks you are sexy." Don't give up!
...Or as good old Sandy always said, "There's a lid to every pot!"
Actually, I'm glad to see you haven't "given up" as was implied in a few posts back. It worried me a little. I thought about you at the General Relief Society Broadcast Saturday night, when it was said that "We still believe in marriage!" I was happy. Because, yes, marriage is hard, but I think the desire is there in you because it IS a wonderful thing, and Heavenly Father knows that, and knows that it DOES bring great happiness.
I know I can't really give advice b/c I AM married, and was married very early on in my "adult" years. But at least I can sympathize with having feelings of wanting something so badly you can almost taste it. And knowing that what you want is a wonderful, worthy, righteous desire. And praying for it every day, but still not seeing any end to your wanting. But for me, I try to keep myself busy so I don't think and worry about it TOO much. It seems to lessen the pain some. Or at least distract me from it for a little while. I second Jo's comments. Don't give up hope. We're all hopin' with ya!
Post a Comment