Mama said there'd be days like this.

Okay. So, yesterday was really pretty awful.

Well, okay. It was really just the morning that was awful. I mean really awful. Well, I guess not as awful as falling from a truck that's going 70mph just after the love of your life tells you he's in love with your best friend, and they're going to run away to Reno, (who the heck would run away to Reno?!?), so you bounce along on the abrasive pavement for awhile and then come to a stop. And then a bee stings you.

It wasn't that awful.

But it was pretty bad.

On Monday, I got a call from someone at one of the local libraries who wanted to set up an interview with me. You see, I had applied for the "Flexible Assistant Librarian" position (which basically means that you have to be able to answer any question that anyone throws out to you, because hey--you're flexible, and also, you need to be able to work odd hours, like from 3am to 6:30am, and that daunting 4pm to midnight shift). So, I started thinking to myself, "Oh, cool! I want to work in a library again. And look! There's an opening! In the library!" So, I applied.

Anyway... So I got that call Monday, and I scheduled an interview for Tuesday morning. I made sure to get enough sleep the night before, so I woke up all bright-tailed and bushy-eyed, (which was probably the beginning of my troubles), and actually felt pretty confident that I was going to waltz right in & knock their socks off. (I think librarians wear socks. Gosh. Maybe that was my first mistake.) Come to think of it, maybe librarians don't waltz either. That little jig I did probably didn't help matters at all then.

The interviewers were very kind & very professional, and despite that, the moment I sat down at the large conference table they were using as an interviewing desk, I was suddenly so nervous that I could hardly remember how to say "Hello" and "um." (No, actually I remembered how to say "um" very well. Rather too well, in fact.)

Well, before the interview, they had all the applicants fill out what amounted to a mini quiz in world culture & history, to see where we had strong areas of expertise. Ugh. I had forgotten how much I hated feeling like I didn't know what I was doing, especially since it had been two years (if not more) since I'd even thought about world culture & history, let alone tried to prove to someone that I knew anything whatsoever about it.

So, during the interview, my brain decided that it was definitely time to go to sleep. I mean, of course it would want to go to sleep. It was a completely comfortable environment, except for the small, niggling feeling that I was undergoing a microscopic examination at the wrong end of the microscope. So, while my brain proceeded to shut down, I forgot everything about anything I had ever done, except stupid and odd anecdotes, like helping a patron find a book titled "Everyone Poops," which anecdote I positively giggled over like an overdosed cheerleader. (And yes, I did just link you to Amazon. And no, I'm not being paid for it. Viva big online bookstores.)

The interview proceeded to go from bad to worse (a hackneyed phrase, yet well applied, I think) as I began to start sentences, change my mind halfway through about what I wanted to say, then forget entirely where I was going with the sentence. Ugh. I felt unbelievably stupid, and of course, the longer the interview went, the stupider I became.

Finally, the ordeal ended, and I've done nothing much since besides rehash the experience, and perform a few hundred mental self-flagellations for good measure.

I just haven't felt that stupid for a long time. And now, I don't think I ever want to set foot in that library again! It's not that the interviewers were unkind--as I said, they were very nice. But, reliving that in context is not exactly high on my priority list. In fact, what am I doing??? Do I really want to be a librarian? I'll feel that stupid all the time!!! I have to rethink my life. And that always makes me irritable. And a little taciturn. (Um. See my previous post. Not this one.)

But you understand why, don't you??? I hate to admit this, but I really am rethinking things with my life plans. I've actually been doing some design work for another scrapbook company (and don't worry--it's totally on the up & up), basically drawing doodles, and purchasing nifty gizmos like drawing tablets & whatnot. And I actually enjoy it. A lot. I mean, I stayed up until about 5am one night (morning?) trying to finish stuff for this company, and then had to go to work at my daytime job after only 2 hours of sleep, but I feel like I'm finally using one of my talents in a way that will enable lots of people to see what I do, and enjoy it. (Even if they do use it for scrapbooking.)

I don't know. And I guess that's what's driving me the most nuts. I like to know where I'm going (even if it takes me forever to get there). So this sudden uncertainty has hit, and I'm just a little bit lost.

And rambling--HOLY COW! How long is this post, anyway?

Sorry friends, I'll stop now. Thanks for reading this, and for caring enough to...erm...care. Yeah. Y'all are great.

And no, I'm NOT DEPRESSED. Just a little confused. As always.