I found this article both strangely compelling and rather disturbing. My roommate Pinto and I had a long discussion about it and came to the conclusion that there's settling and then there's Settling. (Obviously, the capitalized, italicized version is the one not to be done.)
The lower-case (non-italicized) settling is basically just another word for humility, for realizing that we are just as flawed as the people we're evaluating in our dating relationships. This kind of settling allows us to be realistic enough to accept the flaws of an individual, and humble enough to realize we have plenty of flaws on our own. It may also, my roommate mentioned, involve getting away from the BYU mentality of dating (in which it's easy to give up on any given relationship (sometimes for really tiny reasons) because there are just so many young, single, and dateable people out there).
Now Settling is different: it's when a person begins to compromise on things that are really important, when settling is not just saying, "It's okay that he isn't as witty and romantic as I'd like," but, "It's okay that he occasionally puts me down in front of my friends," or, "I can accept that he ignores my kids."
So. I'm curious. To you, what are things that indicate settling and Settling? In what ways do you thing you settled? (Lowercase! I hope none of you Settled.) And do you think it was a wise move or not?
2 comments:
I think you have it right - we all need to settle, but we should never Settle.
No one's perfect, and there are a few things I might change about Phillip if I could. Sometimes we run out of things to talk about, and neither of us is very good at thinking up date ideas, but there are a million wonderful things about him I wouldn't trade for the world.
We understand each other and see the Gospel and life through a similar lens. He's dedicated to living the Gospel. He's a loving dad and a thoughtful husband. He matches me well, and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather face life with.
There are sweet, exciting moments of love in our marriage, but as that writer implies, the vast majority of our waking hours he is off fighting dragons, and when we are together a lot of our time is spent on the mundane tasks of running a household: tending Baby, doing dishes, managing finances, etc.
I think our culture places far too much emphasis on finding a captivating "soulmate," and not enough on finding (and being) someone to build a home with. The world's focus is 95% compatibility, 5% responsibility. I'd put it 15% compatibility, 85% responsibility.
If you find a good person who shares your goals and values, you get along with each other, and you enjoy being together, that's what you really need. A good marriage isn't about fireworks; it's about teamwork, mutual respect, and friendship.
I think that the modern media has influenced us a great deal in the love department. Just as the writer of that article wrote, heroines focus on finding the "perfect guy" and aren't willing to overlook small things.
In my case, I was willing to sacrifice small things like Chris only having a high school diploma. He'll be the first to admit that I'm smarter than him, but the fact that he will admit it--that's amazing.
Plus, he makes me laugh and he wants to support my dreams. What other man is going to deal with my craziness and still find the time to make me laugh?
I've been in relationships with that insane spark and it was fun and exciting and thrilling and it fell apart in about .08 seconds. It's all about finding someone who will work with you and laugh with you and watch chick flicks with you.
Too many women are scared of settling because they think that they'll somehow miss Prince Charming, but I think that we need to remember that our lists that we wrote when we were younger about the qualities of our perfect spouse are more "guidelines" than strict rules for who he must be.
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