***Hey, guys! I actually wrote this early early this morning, but for some reason blogger wouldn't let me upload the post. So I'm uploading it now. Hope it doesn't cause too much confusion!***
Today has been a stupid day. A very, very stupid day.
It all started with the fact that I (oh, so foolishly) stayed up until about 2am Thursday night (or rather Friday morning) because I knew I wouldn't have to work today. (Er, or I guess technically 'yesterday,' because now it's early Saturday morning.)
Anyway.
So, I slept in late (naturally) when I had intended to be up & about by 7am. (Oh, foolish, foolish me.) After kicking myself angrily out of bed at approximately 10:30am (ICK) I managed to mess around doing pretty much nothing for nearly an hour, after which I (finally) exercised & (at last) ate breakfast (which meal was consumed at about 12:30pm).
So, as you can see, I was off. Very much off today.
I meandered back into my room to kill time on the internet, maybe check a blog or two along with my email, and I got sucked into... Huh. I can't even remember now what I got sucked into, so I guess it doesn't really matter.
Then I realized that my back was stiff from the awkward way I'd been sitting with my laptop, so I laid down. On my bed. And also it was cold, so I kind of pulled my blanket up, and then... I woke up at 4pm to a phonecall from my boss asking if I could come in on Monday which, of course, I said 'yes' to, and then, being unspeakably disheartened that I couldn't have a 4-day weekend after all, I plummeted miserably back into the dark depths of unconciousness.
One of the appealing things about sleeping is that you forget for a time that you're you. I mean, sometimes I dream as if I were myself, but more often I take on some kind of different personna. I jump in & out of the heads of my dream 'characters' (I don't know what else to call them) so I could 'be' a guy or a girl or a kid or an alien, or just a 3rd party observer hovering somewhere near the action. Today when I dreamed, I was both myself and my sister and then later I was some sort of space-adventurer man (also sometimes a woman) who was concerned about the air being depleted from his/her spaceship. (I have no clue why gender seems to be such a fluid thing in these dreams.)
Coming to after dreaming like that can be a jarring experience; your contact with the real world begins again with the realization that you're really you, and that the world you're waking into is what reality really is, and that the places and events and people you've recently been experiencing are NOT real, however tangible they may have felt up until the point you opened your eyes.
And it was dark. And you knew that it couldn't possibly be any earlier in the day than 7:30, which is an unbelievably atrocious hour to wake up from a nap, and then you fumbled fearfully for your glasses after refusing to even try to find out what time it is because you knew you'd hate yourself when you did and OH...............................
It's 8:36.
And you have literally slept the entire day away.
Yes, that day: the day you had HUGE plans for, the day you were going to use to get everything done, the day you were going to get on the ball and finally take some steps to assure that you didn't spend the next 20 years of your life living as an appendage to your parents. That day.
Once, before my mission, I went through a period of time that was...just about the darkest time I've experienced. I was completely withdrawn from people; I failed classes, slept through church, never paid my rent on time, and was, in short, a miserable hulk of a human being. I couldn't face anything--I couldn't even face being myself anymore, so I slept. Sleep was a greater escape than even books could be, and I used that escape more and more as I became more and more disgusted with myself and more and more in despair of ever being able to break free of the downward cycle I was in. I've come to realize since then that this period marked an episode of some serious depression (although never fear--fortunately, I never really thought of suicide as any sort of option).
I think one of the reasons why I hate days like today is that I'm afraid it's a return to that dark period. I'm afraid I'm on the verge of swinging back down into depression. It's a place I haven't been, at least for any lengthy amount of time, since then, thank goodness, and I've always been afraid that somewhere in my brain is some balance that, if tipped the right way, could send me swirling downwards into that same place. Sleeping in excessive amounts (like I did today) seems to me to be a tip-off. I'm not sure if I get depressed because I have the unenviable capability of sleeping circles around everybody else, or if I sleep so long because I can't stand being around myself anymore, and my self-disgust is what leads to depression.
Uch. Guys, I'm so sorry this topic is heavier than usual. Please don't be afraid for me. I learned many, many things on my mission: one was the importance of not letting the past prevent you from taking action in the present, and another was to keep moving and keep working and keep getting up every morning and keep going out and doing things. One other advantage I have now is that I work full-time. While I sometimes took the unfortunate view that I didn't have to go to class and could therefore sleep through it, doing the same thing with a full-time job has never been an option. So. I'm not going to start sleeping through every day, lose my job, have my parents shaking their heads in flabbergasted despair, etc., etc.
I also don't live with someone who hates me, which, unfortunately, was also part of that really, really unpleasant time. Part of the reason I slept so much then was also to avoid her. And, while I may have the occasional spat with a family member, I'm really reasonably certain that they actually do love me.
In short, the danger I'm in now is just wasting time that I have available and feeling really bad about myself because of it. And the solution? I guess it comes back to those same mission lessons: repent of your mistakes and then let them go, and BLAST it all, GET OUT OF BED ON TIME! (Which also means that I probably ought to try to sleep soon so I can be up by 8am. Here's hoping!)
***(Edit: I actually got up about 8:30, which isn't bad considering I didn't go to sleep until after 3am this morning. I think I'm mostly normalized now. In more ways than one.)***
8 comments:
You know, sleeping all day really isn't an option for me, since my kids would inevitably keep waking me up (I know, because this is what happens when I try to sleep until 8 or 8:30), but I HAVE spent way too many days doing what seems like nothing - wasting way too much time on the internet doing stupid things, like reading blogs and checking out discount granite websites, and learning how to reupholster furniture (not that I've ever put that very useful information into practice!). We all sometimes have days that are wasted. You're right - all we can do is repent, and do better the next day. Love you! Mary
I remember discussing in my freshman year philosophy class what "existing" really is and how we know that what we see is real. I remember one of the papers we read... by...someone...said that maybe we are actually just brains hooked up to some big virtual reality type machine (except virtual reality didn't exist when he was writing) and that when we close our eyes the world ceases to exist...it only exists when we are observing it.
Whenever I need a break from the world, I usually choose sleep (or swimming if I can). When we sleep, the world and our own being is suspended. All our problems and faults cease to exist for awhile. It gives us a break from ourselves. I just have to remember when I wake up that my old problems are in the past...I tend to wake up with them.
Sometimes I don't want to go to sleep because I know that as soon as I fall asleep, the next thing I'll know it'll be time to get up and face the world for an entire day once again. The last month I was in China I was totally frustrated with my life. We had no heat, all the restaurants and shops had closed so we only were able to scavage enough food for about 1 1/2 meals a day, and we had nothing to do. No energy because we had no food, and no desire to get out of bed to search the city for an open store because it was so horribly cold. We slept all the time. But honestly, I'm glad, I think the only way our bodies stayed healthy was by our sleeping all day and exercising to get the blood circulating every couple of hours.
Sometimes your body just needs to sleep. Sometimes a lot. If you're able to sleep all day, then you probably needed it, either to rest psychologically or physically. But either way...you needed it. Sleep isn't what causes depression, its a method of escape from it...a healthier method than alchohol I might add. Be grateful for the small escapes that God allows us, that can help us sort out our problems and wake up a little more capable of dealing with life. I've gotten most of my big answers to prayers in dreams. We can work out lots of problems in our sleep. Don't be afraid.
Beth! I'm doing Nanowrimo, too. Good luck!
One of the other great things about a good night's sleep is that it gives you the sense of a fresh start. After an off day (and let's face it, we all have 'em now and then) we get to restart our physical and mental computers, and wake up to a new day that we can make into anything we want. The bad day is solidly in the past, and the present is a clean slate before us. In that sense, sleep really is a blessing.
Hey! I'm doing Nanowrimo too, Libby and Beth, and so is Lindsay! Wahoo for writing novels in insanely short periods of time! Oh, and my word verification says "snakehrj." Sweet.
Mary, you're right. And Pam, you're right too. And Kim, boy are you right.
You gals are so good to comment. And Mary, I'm sure you'll find a good use for your furniture reupholstering skills sometime. Pam, I've always been glad I've never had drugs or alchohol in my life. Based on the behavior of some of my ancestors, I think it's a pretty lucky thing--I would've been in big trouble. I've never really thought of the whole sleep-escape thing as being good, but you have a point. Maybe I need to find an escape from myself now and then (although I'm going to try more constructive ways of going about it, like losing myself in service or something). And Kim, over the weekend I got right back on schedule & now I feel pretty much normal again. My fresh slate is doing pretty well. :^)
And to Libby and Becca and Lindsay (not to mention my dear sibs Debbie and...Opario (aka Joseph)...) NaNoWriMos of the world UNITE! And, like, write a whole bunch and stuff. Seriously. (I can't believe I'm going to attempt this, btw. It's way crazy. And completely fun.)
Beth, what's your Nanowrimo username? I wanna be your "writing buddy." Mine is Monkeylibby.
Ooooh! I didn't even think of that... I'm lizardbreathmcgee (I know--it's a stretch). So...what exactly do writing buddies do? Spur each other on to greater heights? Scorn and laugh at each other when we only hit roughly 250 words after two weeks? Clap our hands gleefully when we all (and I mean ALL) of us complete the challenge? Whatever it is, I'll be glad to be a writing buddy, Libby. :^)
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