Sunday, August 17, 2008

So, why does this bother me so much?

Our lesson in Relief Society today was titled: "Establishing the Cause of Zion." Which, as interesting as it was, is important to this discussion only in a peripheral manner.

One of the sisters in my ward today had several family members who attended church with her, including her mom, and a couple of her sisters (at least one of whom is married).

You may think these two things may have nothing to do with each other, but they are, in fact, quite thoroughly connected. You see, during the course of the lesson, the teacher asked the class what we can do to help establish Zion. In response, this married sister talked about how she tried to help establish a Zion home with her children and husband, (which was all well and good), and then proceeded to gesture to her single sister (the sister in my ward) and said, "And, you know, even my sister [Gertrude] can establish Zion in her own home."

I felt my hackles raise, but it took me a bit of thinking to figure out why I was bothered so much by her comment. I kept asking myself, "Why is this hurtful?"

It was the 'even' that got me, I think. The 'even' implied superiority, as if she were saying that her own life was more valuable than the life of a single, that our lives were less meaningful, less important, and would never be as important until we were married and had children. As we are now, we could only achieve an 'even.'

I may be stating this too strongly. In fact, I'm quite certain I am; I seriously doubt that this sister had any idea that her comment could be taken in such a way. I am equally certain that she loves her single sister dearly and would never intentionally hurt her. And it's always, always too easy to judge from the outside. I also think that as singles, we can sometimes be hypersensitive to singlehood slights, eagerly taking offense where none was meant.

However, I really worry that there is an undercurrent in some of the thinking that goes on in the church, among both married and single members, that lends a subtle factual base to singles' defensiveness, and marrieds' (as perceived by the singles) smug superiority.

Maybe it's just that we're taught (at least as women; I kind of believe the men don't get this drummed into them) that being a spouse and parent really is the most important thing you can do with your life. The problem is that we all want to feel our lives our valuable, not just those who are lucky enough to have miraculously found someone with whom to reproduce. We all want to believe that we're making contributions, that we're not just treading water, or hanging out, or merely marking time until our Big Break. And for those of us who are single, (and I would guess for married, parent-ified folks too), we worry all the time that what we're doing just isn't important enough, that we'll be forgotten, that we're missing out on what our life calling is supposed to be.

And I ache for us.

And I don't have any kind of solution, either. I'm not sure if we could fix this by giving talks in church that read: "Every member is valuable. Singles, your lives are important. Married folks, your lives are important. And kids? Well, you can be important as long as you clean your rooms." Or maybe we should speak up when we hear comments that seem to invoke levels of worth. Or maybe we should just plunge our fists into our own hearts, root out the prejudice and fear, and drag them out into the open air to blow away, dissolved by their own insubstantiality.

5 comments:

Charlotte said...

I didn't catch the "even" in her comment, but I did find it ironic that she was talking about her kids in a singles ward. Anyway, I was just thinking when I started reading this that by "even" she may have meant: "even" though it may be harder to do because you don't have authority/stewardship/power-of-taking-away-privileges over your roommates when you're single... which is what I thought when we discussed making our home a Zion place.
I hear where you're coming from, though. I have often felt stings too. I guess we just have to realize that we are having the experiences that we need in this life... and Heavenly Father knows what we need more than anyone else. He doesn't value us any less because we're single, and the good things we are doing and able to do, sometimes because of our singleness, are just as valuable to somebody somewhere. I think it's just hard for people who haven't been in our shoes to understand where we're coming from... just like I don't understand the complaints/worries/problems that married women go through.
Just know that I love ya Beth! Thank you for being exactly you. :)

Kim said...

I know what you mean. It's like you're on this endless ferris wheel. Some days you're up and on top of the world and you know who you are and what you want and where you stand, and it doesn't matter the opinions of others on your singlehood. But other days you're on the very bottom looking around and it seems all you can see are "happy" families and "happy" couples and the dialogue starts in your head that you're missing out on something and you can't be a complete person or really contribute until you have those things.

To be perfectly honest, I still wonder sometimes if what I'm doing is important. Because some days I long for when I was single and had a clear picture of who I was and what I wanted to do and become. Now if someone asks about me, all I can talk about are my kids. What happened to me? Am I not important enough anymore? It's hard to feel like your day-to-day has any meaning when it seems all you do is ask your toddler five hundred times if she needs to use the potty.

Whew. That felt good. Perhaps I should comment here more often! You always have such good things to talk about. Thanks for the outlet. :) I hope that made some sense and didn't detract at all from what you were getting at.

Lizardbreath McGee said...

Charlotte and Kim, you people are wise. Wiser than I am, by a long shot. Thanks for this. It's helped to mitigate my angst somewhat. :)

Palomita said...

Dear, dear Bethyloo - I have made so many comments in Relief Society/ Gospel Doctrine and even Primary sharing time that I have rethought and regretted and cringed over. I've made even more in Bookclub. Throw the comment out as young, immature, and inexperienced, and know that she will grow with time, and learn to more aptly sense the difficulties and needs of others. I hope that others have done the same with stupid, insensitive things I've said.

I think, it can be so difficult, when we think that others are judging us, and feel that we come up short. The fact is, it will happen over and over again in life. The only reassurance we have is that the Lord knows us intimately, and that he loves us for who we really are. It is much harder to remember that nothing else really matters. And, it also is a great opportunity to show compassion to those with less spiritual maturity, and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Know that your big sister loves you with all her heart, and that your life is every bit as important to the building of the kingdom as mine. I don't know what my children would do without you! I don't know what I would do without you! The Lord needs us all - single, married, lots of kids, a few kids, no kids, old, young, out-going, or introverted. Each of us has unique talents and abilities to suited to the building of the kingdom, and no one can fulfill the mission you were sent to do but you.

I love you, always.

Mary

Janan said...

Beth,

Hey! So, thought to pop on your blog and check you out. I have one thing to say . . . YOU ARE OF GREAT WORTH!! Don't ever forget it or forget that you are just as important as anyone else!

Next, remember the fireside we went to where Sheri Dew came to speak to the women . . . PERFECT example of STEWARDSHIP!! You are an example and set a Zion home to lots of people! Neices, nephews, roommates, and all the like!

You are loved! You are awesome, never doubt your worth. Life is hard, we all have hardships and need to be a little more aware of each other's Gethsemane, and not so wrapped up in our own!!