The rules of farting are intrinsically understood by the majority of the
population. However, it is possible that some individuals may be unfamiliar
with the rules, and would benefit from them being spelled out in a written
form. These rules of farting are designed to maximize optimal cordial
interactions among human beings and may not be used in a court of law, except
where permitted.
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Article
I. You must not fart while other humans
are present.
o
Section
1.01 Farting in front of
animals is optional, and as they will generally feel free to fart themselves, you
might add your own to the mix with reasonable assurance of continued
pleasantness. However, before farting in front of your animal friends, be sure
that all other humans have cleared the area and are out of range of both the
smell and the sound of your potential farts.
o
Section 1.02 Farting in front of humans can
have harsh socioeconomic consequences. It is recommended that you avoid doing
so if possible. However, not all farting situations are equal. Severity of
offenses can range from the most egregious (farting in a crowded elevator) to
farting outdoors (somewhat unseemly, but as the ambient breeze will carry away
the worst of your output, this is not nearly so serious as a fart indoors).
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Section
1.03 Silent farts exist in a
notable loophole. If you are able to pass your fart without any notable sound,
then you only need concern yourself about the smell. This may be solved in one
of several ways: you may eat only vegetarian meals, which tends to decrease the
offensiveness of the smell of your farts, or you may blame your fart upon
another person, dog, or ghost which is present in the room.
o
Section
1.04 Farting in front of
other humans may be permissible in certain situations, although such situations
are rare.
§
(a) When all
humans in a group have agreed to abide by an open fart policy, all
members of said group may fart freely while this agreement is in effect.
However, if any member of the group dissents, the other members of the group
must refrain from farting until that member has left, or until that member has
changed his or her mind about farting and is now willing to participate in a
free-fart zone.
§
(b) Farting on
another human being is hardly ever tolerated, and must be approached with a
mixture of caution and self-preservation. If you desire to fart upon another human, you must obtain his
or her consent in advance, preferably in writing, preferably notarized. If a
notarized signature cannot be obtained in time, you may obtain verbal
confirmation from the fartee that you wish to fart upon him or her. However, a
fartee may revoke said permission at any time, and farters must note that
permission is granted on a one-time basis. Any future farts must obtain
separate approval. Just because a person has consented to be farted upon in one
instance does not mean that they consent to all future fart-upons.
·
Article
II. Bathrooms are automatic free-fart
zones.
o
Section
2.01 Once you have entered a
bathroom, you may fart at will. (To fart upon
Will, please refer to Article I, Section 1.04(b).)
o
Section
2.02 All farts must be held until
you are inside a stall with the stall door closed and locked (if in a
multi-stall bathroom), or until you are inside a single-occupant bathroom with
the door completely shut. Farting prematurely in these situations will invite
ridicule and disgust, as they will have violated Article I of the rules of
farting.
·
Article
III. Pooping while farting must be
avoided.
o
Section
3.01 Farting may occasionally
be accompanied by feces, particularly when the stools are loose, such as when
an individual is experiencing abdominal cramps and/or has recently eaten a
large quantity of cheese. This is undesirable.
o
Section
3.02 In order to avoid
soiling yourself during farting, be sure to time your farts properly. Wait
until the bubble of gas has arrived at the opening at the end of your bowel.
Push the bubble of gas out gently, applying only slight pressure. If you can
feel any solid material exiting your bowel, stop the fart immediately and refrain
from farting until you are on a toilet. At that point, you may proceed to fart
again, regardless of whether or not stool is present.
o
Section
3.03 If you have unexpectedly
farted and pooped at the same time, you have committed a grave social error.
But all is not lost. If you are prepared, you will have brought a large towel
and/or ugly sweater with you (hereafter referred to as a fartpoop concealer).
Wrap your fartpoop concealer securely around your waist, being sure to cover
any parts of your anatomy and/or clothing upon which you have fartpooped. Make
your way to a bathroom to assess the problem. If the fartpoop is on any portion
of your clothing, return home immediately if possible. If you cannot return
home quickly, continue to wear your fartpoop concealer until such a time as you
can change your clothing.
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Article
IV. Fart from the correct position.
o
Section
4.01 Finding the correct
position for farting may range in difficulty, depending on the strain index of
farts that you must expel.
o
Section
4.02 Farting may easily be
done from many positions. People have been known to fart while sitting,
standing, and even swimming. However, not all farts will emerge easily. If you
find yourself having trouble expelling a fart, you are not alone. Many people
have trouble farting. The following fart positions may aid the pushing out of
your farts.
§
(a) First,
be sure you are relaxed. Farting while tense makes farting difficult and
increases the likelihood of fartpooping.
§
(b) Lie
down on a flat surface like a mattress. Turn so that you are lying on your
right side. Remain in this position for at least fifteen minutes. You may find
that your fart has worked its way out of your system.
§
(c) If
lying still has not helped you get your fart out, turn again so that you are on
your back. Slowly raise your left leg so that your thigh is perpendicular to
your torso, and your lower leg and foot are still pointed in the same direction
as your right leg. Gently apply pressure to your bowel to see if your fart will
emerge.
§
(d) If
your fart still will not come out, turn again so that you are face down on the
mattress. With your face turned to the side (you may rest your face upon a
pillow if you wish) keep your head down and your knees on the mattress while
you raise your rear end into the air. This final position has been known to rid
the body of some of the most obstinate of farts.
o
Section
4.03 Yoga positions were
originally designed with farting in mind. In fact, the term ‘yoga’ is derived
from the sound of a great group of individuals farting in unison. Farting
during yoga classes is a common practice. However, before farting during yoga,
be sure to inform your instructor of your intention to fart, and find out if
the studio is a free-fart zone. If your yoga instructor has a free-fart zone
inclusion form, fill it out before farting to be sure all farts are legally
covered.
We sincerely hope that this guide to farting has been
helpful. If you have any questions about farting, or are looking for forms to
use for free-fart zones or other farting situations, please refer to the
bibliography below.
Hawthorne, E. J.
(2012). Farting and you : a solid analysis of a nebulous activity. Journal of Flatulence, 45(3), 72-103.
Peters, H. Q.
(2009). The storied history of flatulence : a comprehensive study. Bloats and Boats, 12(10), 15-25.
Rogers, B. T.
(1998). The joy of farting : Breaking
wind has never been so easy. Milwaukee, MN: Spider & Barkers.
Stegner, P. W.
(2015). Was Alexander the Great gassy? :
A human look at a legendary figure. New York, NY: Dogsfolt & Sons.
